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To Family, Friends, and Associates of Addicted People
Rational Recovery
is strongly supportive of family and friends, and can restore
some peace of mind even if the one you care about does not change.
- Drinking alcohol and using drugs are voluntary behaviors for the purpose of gaining physical pleasure from the substance. Anyone can quit an addiction, immediately, and for good. Self-recovery through planned, permanent abstinence is commonplace, and is clearly described in AVRT®.
- Regardless of what you do, the one you care about
may not change. Some heavy drinkers and drug users are
not really interested in quitting.
If this is so, then that's that. However, substance abuse
usually brings on bad consequences that create motivation
to quit. If the one you care about wants to quit drinking
or using, even just some of the time, then the stage is set for AVRT-based recovery. Remember, the more serious the addiction is, the easier recovery often is.
- One of the bad consequences of chemical dependence
is that it ruins relationships with persons like yourself.
Many addicted people finally
take action when significant
others, such as yourself, will not tolerate any further
drinking or using. Once addiction is recognized or acknowledged,
recovery is not far off.
- Your original perceptions of your loved one's changed
behavior are probably correct, that he/she is behaving
irresponsibly, is fully in control of the decision to
drink or use, and personally responsible for all of
the consequences.
- Addiction is a state of chemically-enhanced stupidity
which can be overcome by abstinence. Your loved one
does not suffer from a disease that causes him or her
to drink or use drugs, or which prevents him or her
from immediately quitting altogether.
- You carry no burden of change. You do not have a parallel
disease called "codependency." No one does.
You may be so dependent on that person
for love or approval or something else, so dependent
that your own well-being is overshadowed. But that is
not a disease.
- You are not an enabler, even if you pour the drinks
for your loved one. You cannot "enable" what
someone is going to do anyhow.
- If the one you care about takes advantage of your
better side, your trust and generosity, you might experiment
with the expression, "sucker," to describe
your role.
- If you understand that you are being taken advantage
of so your loved one can experience the pleasure of
drinking alcohol or using drugs, your options may become
more obvious and clear. You might, for example, treat
your loved one's addictive behavior for what it is,
the ultimate self-indulgence, and give an ultimatum
with which you would follow through. You may be less
cooperative with your loved one's manipulations, and
more independent overall.Or, you may stop searching
for meaning where there is none, and accept the status
quo.
- If your loved one refuses to get help, it may be because
he/she is not suited for recovery group participation,
and would do much better to quit independently.
- If he/she has gotten some help, and continues to drink
or use drugs, this does not mean that you are failing
in any way or enabling. Nor does it mean that the addiction
is more "severe." It merely means that some
desire to quit probably exists, but the knowledge of
how to abstain does not.
- In either case, tell your loved one that you have
learned about Rational Recovery, which is entirely different
from 12-step or psychological approaches to recovery.
Tell him/her that RR specializes in helping people who
have tried recovery groups and addiction treatment,
but have been unsuccessful in remaining sober.
- If the one you care about undertakes AVRT studies,
you may expect some erratic ways for a time. Irritability,
remoteness, and restlessness are common, but this is
a natural reaction to giving up something that was very
important. It doesn't mean drinking or using will resume.
Remember that quitting addictions does not make people
into ideal personalities.
- Do not be intimidated with suggestions that if you
do so-and-so, that you will "trigger a relapse."
You are incapable of doing this.
- Is there life after addiction? You bet. Go to our Love
Letters page, and meet some people who have recovered
independently from serious addictions using AVRT.
- Rational Recovery recommends that family members avoid
involvement with the recovery group movement, i.e.,
Al-Anon. Our experience, based on the direct feedback
from thousands of families, is that Al-Anon is anti-family
and attempts to replace family bonds with attachments
to the recovery group. They insist upon meeting attendance
as the only acceptable decision of an addicted family
member, completely discounting the possibility of self-recovery
through planned abstinence. If you attend recovery group
meetings for friends and relatives of addicted people,
expect standard social behavior from those present.
Do not accept or use self-labels, do not accept predictions
that you will be worse off by not returning to the group,
and resist suggestions that you must change your way
of looking at your problems. Do not tell bad stories
about your family life, as Al-Anon groups are in no
way confidential. If they are understanding and tolerant,
they will accept you as you are and be little concerned
if you do not accept their viewpoint. If their beliefs
conflict with yours, it is no reflection on you, and
you may confidently leave the meeting.
- There are some excellent Rational Recovery learning materials that may
help your friend or family member lay a foundation for
AVRT-based recovery. One is "Greater Expectations,"
which examines the options available to addicted people,
and introduces some elements of AVRT. The label explains
that the video is a gift from someone who cares, and,
if the recipient is insulted or annoyed, suggests the
recipient swallow those bad feelings and view the video
in private. The other is AVRT: Live, which provides in-depth instruction on AVRT-based recovery, start to finish. Jack Trimpey narrates
these videos, "in your face," and guides the
viewer along the decision-making toward complete recovery.
The videos are structured around the book, Rational
Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction (Pocket
Books, 1996), adding crucial audio-visual impact for
effective learning.
- Some people learn best with individual instruction in AVRT.
For information on AVRT: The Course, call the RR office.
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